


Call my name (and I'll come running)

by ming_kitty



Category: BIGFLO
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lots of Angst, M/M, Oh, Past Drug Addiction, i can't believe there are only three (3) works in bigflo's tag i'm smh, i think that's all, i'm still crying over z-uk departure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 01:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11392983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ming_kitty/pseuds/ming_kitty
Summary: Byunghwa keeps running but Jaewook can’t feel his legs anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this thing came to life after I listened to Wake up by Eden for 23 times in a row.  
> lyrics to go by:  
> “I can't remember how we got here  
> Or how we survived so long  
> I'm trying to run from our pride  
> And maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end  
> No "B" plan in your system  
> Just tell me what you're thinking  
> I'm scared that you might fall”  
> I also made a playlist for this it's here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLI28T3CDHp1uXgOXTyEhk9Q9Gx2StNx5_ (because 8tracks is an ass and I hate it)  
> please keep in mind that english is not my first language and that I did my best!!!!

 

 

Jaewook knew the world is harsh. He found out the hard way when his parents threw him and his then-boyfriend out of the house when they found them kissing on Jaewook’s bed. He found out the hard way when he had to drop out of university so he could keep up with two jobs to have enough money for rent, food and for drugs at the end of the week. He found out the hard way when he ended up in hospital after a Saturday night went wrong. He poured his soul into his music, singing about boys and drugs and family.

He learned that life wasn’t that harsh actually when he met his crew, that accepted him right away (but warned him to make another account and to exclude the “he” from his songs if he wanted to make any kind of money with it), when he met Byunghwa, the most beautiful man he has ever seen.

But now, things are harsh again. Someone found his old tracks and, while nobody can know for sure it’s him since his name isn’t anywhere, his current voice still resembles a lot the voice he had at 18 years old. That was enough for rumours to spread. Luckily, they were only that: rumours.

That didn’t make any of these things better, though. People are still pointing fingers behind his back when they think he doesn’t notice.

His friends are telling him to stop caring, that they’ll disappear, but they’re going strong for two months now and everything he ever did comes back to him. He knows that he can’t do anything about the rumours that concern his orientation, but his drug addiction ones are the worst. Because he changed. He’s clean for three years now, he’s better, he knows better, he’s not the person they say he is.

 

* * *

 

“They are just rumours, Jaewook, stop caring about them.”

Right.  Jaewook wanted to talk with his boyfriend about this. The past week was awful and people weren’t even trying to hide the words “faggot” and “junkie” from their lips whenever Jaewook passed them by on the streets.

Byunghwa is in his underwear on Jaewook’s bed, they just had sex and he finds this time to be the best one to talk. Byunghwa is always pliant and open after sex, and Jaewook has a lot to say.

“They’re true, hyung. You know they are true.”

Maybe if they weren’t, Jaewook wouldn’t care. He would go on with his life, walking on the street with his chin up, no matter the words at the tip of their tongue. But they were and he felt every word on his back like a heavy rock he had to carry.

“What can you do about them?”, asks the man looking over at him. “Are you gonna step out and say ‘I am gay and I also was a drug addict’? Are you gonna do this when almost the whole country looks at the people like you like some kind of plague? Are you really that stupid?”

“I won’t! I know I can’t even think of telling them the truth!”

Jaewook knew, knew the truth was out of the question, but he couldn’t ignore them and keep on living either.

“You should do something to prove them you’re straight, something to make them believe that account can’t be yours.”

Byunghwa made it seem so easy, like he could take the first girl he sees on the street by the hand and kiss her, ignore his brain, his heart, lie to everybody only to fucking live in peace. He had to put up a whole show, a plausible love story, a girl willing to help him or worse, one he has to date for real for a few months for everyone to actually believe it’s not a fake relationship.

Jaewook won’t do that. He won’t lie, he won’t use girls to hide himself, because he’s not ashamed. He’s not ashamed, like Byunghwa is, he only keeps quiet to be safe. People think -or thought- he’s heterosexual because they assumed it, they never asked, he was never made to prove it. But people think Byunghwa is straight because they’ve seen him with girls, he made sure to prove everyone this, to kiss them on the mouth and to hold them by the waist.

Jaewook would never.

What Byunghwa implied is something he would never do, he would rather live in solitude and have people watch him with disgust than to live as someone he’s not.

“Then should I do what you did? Date 5-6 girls, excusing myself to be too busy to have sex with them while fucking guys behind their backs? That’s what you want me to do?”

After these words, the room is quiet. He knows he hit a sensitive spot but he can’t turn his head around it to care. He can feel his boyfriend’s anger before he actually sees it, he can feel it in the air before he sees his shoulders go up, like he’s trying to dodge a hit, his chest beginning to rise and fall quicker, his eyes darker and his brows furrowed.

Byunghwa doesn’t say anything, he only grabs his clothes hurryingly and leaves the room, probably to change in the hall. Jaewook doesn’t go after him, he’s too mad, at himself, at his lover, at this whole situation, he only hears the front door being slammed, and the sound echoes in the whole flat.

He didn’t even tell him about his sister call.

 

* * *

 

He’s in the studio with Kichun and Hyuntae. Hyuntae is working on some tracks, he’s doing it since Jaewook arrived here, 2 hours ago. Later, Kichun came by and they changed some words, but now all of them are sitting in silence, Kichun playing games on his phone and Jaewook-

Jaewook thinks. Since two night ago, he keeps on thinking. About his fight with Byunghwa, about the words his sister told him, about how he didn’t exchange a word with his boyfriend since he left slamming the door.

Kichun sees that, the wrinkles on his forehead, the frown on his face, so he gently pats Hyuntae’s shoulder and when the boy looks at him, he nods to the Jaewook, too deep in thoughts to see what happens around him.

“Hyung,” says Hyuntae softly, trying not to scare his friend. “Hyung!” he screams when he sees the man not reacting, his scream making Jaewook raise his head and look at him.

“Yeah, Hyuntae-ah?”

If he thinks about it, he’s tired. The coffee he drank two hours ago started to fade in effect and he’s left with his dark circles around his eyes, the effect of white nights.

“Are you okay?”

The question was mostly out of courtesy, the younger knew he’s not and he is not gonna leave it like this.

“You’re not so don’t even think of saying something else.” Kichun voice came clear through the little room, he knew he’s the oldest in that room and he used the fact. “Is it about the rumours or is this something more than that?”

He hesitates, running around things he could say in his mind, but he knows his friends won’t let him get away until he speaks, so he just tells them the truth.

“It’s about them, and also… My sister found out. She’s in America and she said… she said I can go there. She has her own family but she can find me a nice flat… I can go on with doing music, maybe I won’t get any money from it but it will- it will be so much easier. People are really open-minded there, it’s…”, he stutters, not knowing how to explain to them.

Last night his sister called again, trying to convince him to just come there, that she’s afraid, that she’s afraid for him and she’s sorry. She cried, she cried again for not doing anything when the 16 years old Jaewook was thrown out of the house, said she doesn’t want to lose him again. They cried together, him for himself, out of pity, mad tears that tasted salt on his lips and felt hot on his face, wiping them away with his shirt, wet and full of snot.

“So… why don’t you go?”, came Hyuntae’s deep voice.

Jaewook wanted to go, so bad, every time he drives by the airport he almost stops the car and gets down to buy himself a ticket one way to United States. But that would mean running away from things, and especially running away from Byunghwa, and even if they’re still not talking, he can’t let his boyfriend - if he’s still his boyfriend- like that.

“I didn’t tell Byunghwa anything yet. We had a fight, I think I said something that hurt him and we haven’t talked since then. I don’t think he would want to come with me and I-” the words stuck in his throat, he didn’t really want to admit that he didn’t want to go there without him.

“Talk to him. Man up, dude, and talk to him. In my opinion, he hasn’t been the most supportive boyfriend either so… try to sort it up, maybe?”

Kichun spoke calm and slow, and Jaewook wanted so hard to record his voice and replay it over and over again in his head, for when he’s anxious.

It’s true that Byunghwa hasn’t been the most supportive boyfriend -he never once confronted Jaewook about the nightmares that woke him up in the middle of the night, never comforted him about the bad things that were thrown in his direction. Yes, Byunghwa showed his affection sometimes, little pats on his back when he was nervous before a concert, or letting Jaewook wear his hoodie when he felt extra clingy, letting him sleep with his nose in the crook of his neck, making him tea instead of coffee when he stayed the night.

But were those enough? He wanted, at least once, to hear his boyfriend tell him that all those people are wrong, he wanted to hear that he’s not a “junkie”, that he trust him, that he’s proud of him because at this point he’s the only one that didn’t. It’s not fair to compare Byunghwa with Kichun, with Hyuntae, people that have been behind his back for years, but even Yuseong told him that he’s strong and that he’ll overcome all of this.

Byunghwa didn’t.

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry.” is the first thing that Jaewook said when Byunghwa opened his door.

The tall man sighed, going in the living room. Jaewook took off his shoes and closed the door, following the man’s steps.

It was awkward, Byunghwa was sitting on his couch and Jaewook didn’t know what to do, he was so used to go for a kiss as soon as he enters this apartment but he figures a kiss is not exactly the best thing to do now. He went to sit in the armchair at the left of the couch, next to the exit. He felt better there.

“I’m sorry about what I said last time, you had your own reasons and I shouldn’t criticize them.”

“It’s fine.”

Byunghwa said without taking his eyes off the floor, but that won’t stop Jaewook. He stayed up a whole night to think about what he’s going to do, and he’s not going to back up now.

“My sister called one month ago again.”, the words called his boyfriend’s attention so he went on: “She’s in America and she heard about the situation through… a friend. She asked me if I wanted to move there.”

“Your sister… that hadn’t talked with you for 3 whole years.”

Byunghwa didn’t know a lot about his home situation but he knew the main things: his parents threw him out and his sister, who was nineteen back then, didn’t move a finger. Well, she wasn’t home when the things happened but she didn’t call for whole 3 years, the years Jaewook struggled the most, with money, with his sexuality, with the drugs. She just called one day, out of the blue, and even if Jaewook just hanged up after he found out who she is, she went on with the phone calls. Eventually, they started talking and Jaewook forgave her.

“You know we talked things out. She only wants to help.”

“Well she should have been helping 5 years ago.”

“Hyung, stop it.”

Jaewook didn’t understand why Byunghwa was more pissed than him with his family problems.

“You really think that you’ll go there and everything will be perfect? Do you actually trust her, what she’s saying? What if you go there and she doesn’t come to get you, how can you know for sure she’s gonna help you?”

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think about it because his sister wouldn’t do that, she wouldn’t, after all the phone calls they had. But Byunghwa didn’t know and Jaewook didn’t understand where this trust issues came from.

“She is not gonna do that, I just know. I trust her, we’ve been talking for 2 years now. In the last month we talked more than you can imagine, we talked more than you and I talked, she believes in me, I have every reason to trust her.”

“You trust people too easily, Jaewook.” Byunghwa’s voice was light and the last word came with a scoff.

“You know what…” Jaewook started to get mad again, he didn’t understand Byunghwa at all and these things were too complicated for him. “I only came to let you know that. That she suggested it and offered to help me.”

He stood up, going over to the place where his shoes were and put them on. When he was done, he put his hand on the door handle.

“And that both of us could go there if we wanted.”

He left, closing the door.

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

**You’re in a car with a boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you.**

 

If Jaewook thinks about it, he never said “I love you”. Neither did Byunghwa, so he guesses it’s just something they don’t do. He now reached a breaking point. He can’t take the rumours anymore, the looks, the words, everything became overwhelming.

“I’ve talked with my sister…”

He begins, not daring to look at his lover. When he doesn’t get a reply, he side-eyes him, seeing Byunghwa with his arms crossed in front of his chest, a stern look on his face. He stares ar something in front of him, an invisible point on the windshield.

“I… I was thinking if you want to go with me. We can… We can start there over. We can be ourselves. We can-“

“We can’t!”

He get’s interrupted by Byunghwa.

“ I can’t. I won’t do it.”

In the car, Jaewook can feel the unsaid words, choked down words Byunghwa won’t say. He feels like screaming. He only needs to hear that he’s needed. If Byungwa would tell him right now not to leave, he would call his sister and turn down her offer. If Byunghwa only supported him, helped him, told him he’s not what they all say he is, he would stay. Stay and endure it all for him.

But he didn’t, and still doesn’t.

“I’m gonna leave, I’m going to go to America.”

His voice is hoarse as he says it.

“Do whatever.”

And with that, Byunghwa opens the car door and leaves, and Jaewook is suddenly alone with too much and nothing at once.

 

**But he does.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bolded writing is from Richard Siken's poem, "You are Jeff"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this took longer than expected because i'm depressed and really procrastinating like there is no tomorrow

 

Byunghwa was, since he could remember, a “pretty” boy. He was tall and his limbs were lanky, he had soft fat around his belly and hips, plump lips that made all the girls jealous. The boys made fun of him in middle school, he was a head above them all, he was soft all over and quite an easy target. He never liked sports, never have been interested in them or in any other things his male classmates were.

He never showed interest in girls, but he didn’t show any concerning things also. Not at home, never at school. When he was seven and he saw Sechs Kies on the TV for the first time, he liked Ko Jiyong so much, he told his mom he wanted to marry him. At that time, his mom only awkwardly laughed it off, saying Byunghwa didn’t know what a “marriage” was or something - he knew- and told him to never say something like that in front of someone ever again. He learned he had to keep his mouth shut about whatever this was, not knowing why, but if his mom said so, he did it.

He later learned that a boy who likes boys is dead by the time he opens his mouth, so he kept it shut. He kept it all for himself, taking his mind off “love” and “dating” and “sex” completely. He allowed these things only when he was alone, in the middle of the night in his own room or in the bathroom when his parents weren’t home.

He tried his best at high school, always trying to keep his eyes off the muscular thighs or the veiny arms of his male classmates, always trying to show interest in what they were talking about, except when it came to girls. He could fake that he knew that an “offside” is and he could look briefly through the game scores so he at least had an idea about who won, but he couldn’t fake knowing -or wanting to know- what a girl’s chest feels like.

When everything ended, he knew he didn’t want to get into university. He had a huge fight with his parents, even to this day he barely talks to them. He wonders if they reacted that way to him not wanting to go to university, how would they have been reacting if they found out he was gay? Would they have thrown him out of the house? No matter how upset they were they still kept him in their house, even if they ignored him. Would they have beaten him up? Send him to conversion therapy, like they did in that movie he saw when he was sixteen? Do they even have those things in South Korea?

He didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do until that old lady gave him the flyer. He was tall, over the time he managed to get a few muscles here and there, he got compliments on his face and skin, so the “modelling career” wasn’t that of a bad idea. Definitely better than being a waiter. He checked the company online and when nothing dubious turned out, he decided to go to that casting. They signed him right after.

He started with easy jobs. A photo shoot here and there, doing ads for little independent clothing brands. He got enough money to rent a studio and move out of his parents' house. They didn’t ask him where he’s going, they found out he was a model from a magazine. He made it big when a friend invited him to Seoul Fashion Week. He went there just to keep him company, but he managed to lend his number to a few people, then started ascending. He liked that life and he liked becoming freer. That was his mistake. He forgot to keep his stares for himself, to never, ever, look at a guy’s body too much or he might notice.

That’s exactly what happened. The guy noticed and he paid the attention back, with touches and lingering looks, with whispers and lips too close not to be tempting. So when Jungkyun invited him over, he didn’t question it. He went there knowing why, he prepared, he cleaned. He never rejected the lips that enveloped his mouth into a kiss. He was good and Jungkyun was just as good to him.

They’ve been carefree after, they’ve let themselves go, and people saw. They saw and started talking, looking at them every time they were close to each other, every time they talked. Byunghwa got himself punched in the bathroom of a club after some guys saw him and Jungkyun. Sure, the crew he had joined made sure that the guy won’t touch him again -it had something to do with Euijin almost breaking the guy's hand, but he still had to cancel all his appointments for a week and a half. He ended things with Jungkyun. That didn’t change the fact that almost everyone wondered what happened to his face -and with the sudden lack of interactions with Jungkyun.

He had to prove his heterosexuality so the people would stop looking at him like that. He never had a girlfriend, but there were a few girls more than willing to receive his attention. All he had to do was invite them to coffee. Then they started this weird public show, where Byunghwa would kiss them and hold their hand and their waist in public and everyone would think he’s _normal_ , while he would fuck guys he managed to get home. Closeted guys like him, afraid of people finding out so they will keep quiet. He made sure to always tell them “it’s just a night”. He couldn’t afford more of what he had before, he had a girlfriend - even if he couldn’t exactly remember her name when he was on all fours, panting in the pillow.

After five girlfriends in three months, he got the reputation of a _player_. It was better than _gay_. He stopped seeing girls, playing the mysterious card instead. Maybe he had someone to come home to every night, maybe there was a girl that made him stop playing, maybe he was dating a female idol or the heiress of an important company. He didn’t care what they thought as long as there wasn’t a boy, a man.

He went to a concert of his crew because he liked to party and there were always after parties. He was introduced to a new member -not entirely new, it was just that Byunghwa didn’t know him, a rapper, he went by Z-UK and he thought that name was the most stupid name for the most stupidly interesting handsome face he saw in a while. He can’t remember who made the first move, but they ended up at Z-UK’s place - whose name was actually Jaewook- and they were drunk. Really, ridiculously drunk. Jaewook started crying out of the blue and everything Byunghwa wanted to do was kiss his mouth and the tears away. When their lips touched, he couldn’t bring himself to say the words, the mantra he repeated every time to every new guy he was kissing, to himself in the middle of the night whenever he was crying about the said guy. He blamed it on Jaewook’s still tears stained face and said he would sort things out in the morning.

He didn’t.

Somehow he managed to convince himself that it was better to have someone like this, someone you can run to when you need and someone who can especially fuck you exceptionally good. He doesn’t know exactly when they become more. Maybe somewhere between the morning kisses and the soft nights, when one of them was too tired to have sex so they only slept, managing somehow to cuddle and wake up with hands on their lower backs and soft breaths in their faces.

He convinced himself that Jaewook and what they had is all he needed. That Jaewook was somehow just like him, who remained more or less the same scared boy he was when his mother denied him of his wish to marry Jiyong-hyung when he was was seven, when he was alone in the bathroom trying to finish as fast as he could so his parents won’t return early and see him, when his classmates joked and said that they would beat a _fag_  without a thought, when he saw what boys like him went through in conversion therapy.

But Jaewook wasn’t. He wasn’t scared, or at least he wasn’t like Byunghwa was. He was brave, so brave, for standing tall to all the rumours that would have killed Byunghwa. He realized this now, he was an asshole. A huge asshole, an afraid one. Trembling with fear under the sheets, too preoccupied with his childish problems to see Jaewook’s struggle.

He spent two months moping. He didn’t try to stop Jaewook from leaving - this is the least he could’ve done, let him get away from this country. He didn’t try to contact him also. At first, he tried not to care. He stopped going to crew’s parties - it was always more of Jaewook’s crew, not his, even if he was an older member-, he tried to fill the hollow spot in his chest with one night stands, or drowning himself in work, but nothing worked. He was still thinking about the past, feeling guilty and empty. He lived with a constant weight on his chest, he stopped crying years ago and he couldn’t bring himself to start doing it again now.

He wasn’t the person to cry, to sob, to scream. He was used to living with a constant knot in his throat, a knot he couldn’t untie that Byunghwa himself tightened more and more each passing day. Kissing girls with that knot in his throat, kissing boys and immediately telling them that “it’s just a night” with the knot in his throat, “I’m not like that”, kissing Jaewook and choking up words the knot won’t let him say. Words like “You mean the world to me”, “I trust you”, “I’m proud of you and where you are now”, “I’m sorry”, “I never meant to hurt you”, “You’re beautiful”, “darling”, “I dreamed of you”, “I’ve missed you”, “I love you”, “I need you”.

He stood with his phone in his hand, the digits were already typed, the “call” button waiting to be pressed. It was one in the afternoon where Jaewook was, Byunghwa searched on the internet. It was one of the many sleepless nights for him - he didn’t close an eye the whole night. It was five in the morning and he stood in his kitchen, his hands shaking. He didn’t know if it was from the cold or not.

He got the number from Yuseong. He doubted Kichun or Hyuntae would even spare him a look, but Yuseong was still talking to him. Mainly to make sure he was not dying from lack of sleep or he wasn’t exhausting himself with work - although Byunghwa did both. Yuseung understood, more or less, what he was going through. He didn’t approve of his ways, not at all, he screamed a whole day at him after he found out Jaewook left. But he still stuck around. He convinced the shorter male to give him the new phone number, promising he only wants to say sorry, to explain things.

Now, somehow, his trembling finger found the red button. His all got directly into the voicemail.

“Jaewook, it’s - it’s me, Byunghwa. I got your number from Yuseong, please don’t hate him for it. I know you don’t want want to talk to me -heck, maybe you even have my number blocked or something, but I- I only wanted to say sorry. I’m sorry for being an asshole and making your life harder than it should have been. I was supposed to make things easier and I only complicated them. I’m sorry for everything. Not only for the way I treated you since the rumours began, but for the way I did before too. There were- there are a lot of things I should’ve been saying to you that I didn’t. I was afraid and I know I have no right to make excuses. I wish I could have said earlier how much you meant to me, how precious and beautiful you are, how proud I was.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to say _I love you_ , because I did, Jaewook, I did and I still do and I hope you’re ok and you’re happy, I hope you’re doing fine and your sister is nice, and that your niece is just as cute as you, and that they treat you right. I- I really hope you’re happy and doing what you want there, I hope everything is great. I have- I have no idea what to say anymore… I’m sorry, truly sorry. If I could change things, I swear I would, but I can’t turn back time. I’m so, so sorry, I still love you so much.”

He ended the call. He had a plan, call and say sorry and explain things, he didn’t think he would be talking this much. He really needed to wash his face, he sweated like hell and his eyes started to burn.

His phone rang while he was drying his face and he more or less ran to it. It was such a little chance to be him, but then, who would call at 5:20 in the morning?

“Hello?”

“Why the fuck are you not sleeping? It’s… Approximately 5 AM there.”, Jaewook didn’t seem angry, but he sounded confused.

“I’m… I had a late job and I just got home.” He couldn’t tell him he only slept 7 hours in three days and worked on five cups of coffee.

“You have problems sleeping, right? I can tell just from your voice.”

Byunghwa really missed his voice, a lot. The songs weren’t enough.

“Jaewook, I’m so sorry. I was such an assh-“

“I listened to your message, Byunghwa, I got it already, you can stop apologizing.”

He signed, laying on the cold tiles of his kitchen. He wanted to, but he really couldn’t. He was afraid that if he said another word, it will be an apology, so he didn’t say anything.

“Byunghwa,”, Jaewook’s voice was calm, like the ocean between them. “come here.”

It hit him in waves, relief and sadness and gratefulness and everything was overwhelming, he was too cold and too hot at the same time, he was unworthy, he was feeling sick and perfectly fine.

“Ok.”

Was all he could stutter before he started crying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the movie Byunghwa was talking about is "And then came summer"
> 
> somehow, the whole purpose of this chapter is that I wanted 1. a happy ending and 2. to show how a tragic past explains bad behavior but doesn't excuse it.  
> anyway you can scream at me on [ tumblr](http://mama-kisu.tumblr.com/) or on [twitter](https://twitter.com/mama_kisu)


End file.
